pensive / by IKB

I wonder where I’ve put myself! Oh silly me! I’ve forgotten where! So I’ve been offline for some time! Days! Oh scandalous! My belovèd laptop has suffered a minor calamity! She shall be fine once I send her away to be rapaired! Ooh! Ooh! I’ll report with good knews soon though! I’ve got this little secret! It’s delicious! I’m dying to reveal it!

From my father I learnt never to look straight into another person’s eyes. The asphyxiating atmosphere at home taught me to always look down, to avoid eye contact. Everyone was stronger than I, including my sister. My personality was the weakest, the basest always giving way. To this day, I find myself unable to have eye contact. But amongst the insanity, amongst the vile manifestations of sexual, emotional and intellectual repression and derision, I found something that is quite liberating.

As I have been told recently, you shall forever be alone! And I nodded. I have known this since I was a boy. Not every saint is a fool!

Recently, I have been hearing the laughs made by children as they lose themselves in the pleasure of prancing under the sun playing a game or two. But these sounds detected by my aural senses are the remnants of their physical projection. They are images per se of reality. Feint and distant.

I laugh as the name Sisyphe rolls off my tongue, but unmeasurable rapture is effected as I rent it free of its vestments in my intellect. As it is pronounced ever-so-sexually in my mind, every syllable imbibed with an all-too-Parisian accent, my mind is satiated with pleasure! Oh the name Sisyphe keeps me up, tortures me and delights me, producing in me the sort of pleasure an invalid receives upon pealing an orange and then consuming its sumptuous delectable!

I am mad.

Ah I had the most delightful, the most endearing conversation at Whole Foods! I am a pseudo-celebrity … sooner or later … wherever I go … I am recognized by someone! Perhaps my face gives me away or the fact that I carry a book wherever I go. I don’t know but it was a very delightful conversation between two Johnnies who did not know how to approach one another, who were afraid to admit that they knew one another and acted as if this was their first encounter. More on this later!