Sometimes, we look back and are disgusted with ourselves. I felt the earth tremble and convulse; here was love. We embraced one another, for the last time most certainly. Though I did not know it then.
During a brief and sobering moment of calm, a rapid arrest of the madness, I had decided to return home. So here we were at the Washington Dulles International Airport, one of those whimsical and fantastic places that had been elevated beyond comprehension by your words.
You were an architect, an architect of the ephemeral. Stupidly constructing an imaginary a majestic world of towering and lofty skyscrapers. Everything was beyond my comprehension. My simplicity consumed and became intoxicated by these words, tools of this idiotic architect. Somehow I had forgotten the rudimentary essence of the inhabitant of the city and found myself deceived and impressed by things that otherwise would not have disturbed my otherwise stoic mien.
In the futile exchange of words, of caresses and gazes, I placated my distress; it would unleash its fury later on. How was I supposed to know that never again would I see you, nor would succumb again to the gravity of your eyes?
My back was turned to yours and I felt your spine; as I rested my head upon your lap, I felt your caresses; and when we sat face to face, I observed your face and worshipped it.
Such simplicity was more intense that the endless times we made love as we rolled over those books that would fill my summertime solitude; I would drop them and give way to you. No, this childish and pure entertainment satiated the wildest callings of my vitiated desires.
Hours passed and I could not help but smile. I had you all to myself. It had taken a good-bye to allow me the pleasure of your company, a pleasure that I would have easily forsaken when I first deigned myself to look down from my ascent. But now it was my sustenance, the food for the emaciated soul. I was the child upon which you had impressed yourself.
But before I knew it, I was hugging you for the last time, tears in eyes. And from your lips spilled forth such absurdity that I could not help but feel myself die. My stoicness had evaporated and I stuttered, felt myself lost. You said that I was beautiful and I lost my vision, submerged in tears.
I held you tightly! I held you tightly! I did not want to let go! I loved you so … so much.
As I made my way through the fastidious security checks, there you stood in the distance, a distance that would grow. It was endless. I was pulled aside and as I obeyed the instructions, my soul vanquished and defenceless gazed at you, beckoning, crying for your presence. Why were you allowing me to go? Couldn’t you stop me? Stand up for once! Be strong!
A woman saw me, at the verge of tears. She inquired if I was distressed by the endless and fastidious inquisition of the security people. I told her that that was not what was making so sad; I could not say more. I was overcome.
And I could see your shadow, following me as I moved along the corridor, eternally separating us. And all was lost. All was lost.
The flight back home was painful. I wished for the plane to fall. I wished to die. And when I arrived in California, I was confused. I could not read the signs, I simply followed the crowd into the embrace of my parents.
Then you called me while we waited for my bags and I had to feign my unhappiness.
And so I continue. I know you have continued on with your life. Perhaps you will have the valor and the ardor to stand up and be strong and not permit the vicissitudes of fortune to separate you from someone that loves you ever again. Perhaps.
As I recall all this, I find myself in tears, realizing I still love you, almost a year on.